Grief

Mostly you don’t even notice that it’s there – life is led normally.  Ish.

Feeling weak at the knees and wobbly

 Just the thought of her passes across my mind now and then –

 I find myself planning what would be in her Heaven – choirs, gardens, good food and drink; (it feels a bit Persian – like Omar Khayyam);  all her family and friends at all their different ages, simultaneously; a rack of Oska trousers at half price.  In fact it would be much like her existence on earth.

 Absent mindedness: last night I broke a large fruit cake; today I am burning the bacon for lunch while I write this.  Yesterday on the phone I forgot what day it was. 

 Still shaky

 Pondering the nature of death – what is this vanishing? This non-being? 

 Suddenly remembering that she isn’t there any more.

 Feeling aware of her

 Choking up when talking about her – and on the phone, and then laughing and joking in the same conversation.

 Waking up in the night and lying awake for hours.

 Seeing things that could memorialise her – ‘I’ll plant a hellebore in her memory’; ‘I’ll go to the gym’; ‘I’ll eat more sensibly’; ‘I’ll be more positive about things’ – all for her, because she was like that.  And because those are things she taught me.  To wear one’s feminism lightly.  (I don’t know that I’ll ever get that one.)

 

Time passes.  The busy world crowds in.

All that was in the first week or so.  Now already everything is more distant, and more analytic.

Thinking of her key words: generous; lucky; wonderful.

 

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One Response to “Grief”

  1. avril75 Says:

    She sounds wonderful and would be pleased to be so remembered I feel sure.

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